We’ve all been there. You and your partner are both in a crappy mood. One of you voices a complaint. The other takes it personally.
Next thing you know, it’s escalated big time and you’re entrenched in the ugliest behaviors of your conflict pattern.
Flying everywhere like debris in a tornado are personal attacks, slamming doors, rolling eyes, criticism, contempt, blame. You’re both so upset that neither of you can hear the other; all you can hear is each other’s tone, which is cutting and deadly.
These are the destructive fights that can really harm your relationship.
How did this happen?
In situations like this, you are both emotionally flooded. Emotional flooding – or diffuse physiological arousal – happens when you are completely overtaken by anger or fear.
Your body is responding to perceived danger
Your rational mind takes a hiatus as the blood flow to the rational, thinking part of your brain – the pre-frontal cortex – slows down as the blood is redirected to the limbic center of your brain – the amygdala. This is the part of your brain that causes one of four responses: fight, flight, freeze or faint.
Stress hormones are surging. Your heart pounds. Your jaw sets. You might get tunnel vision or become nauseous.
Higher level brain functions, like empathy, positivity, consideration, understanding and the ability to listen to your partner, go offline.
Your nervous system is in overdrive and you are in a state of complete and total reactivity.
Now, imagine you’re BOTH in this highly reactive, irrational state! It’s like the perfect storm, and can cause highly toxic, damaging fights that live on in your memory and taint your relationship.
So...here are those six words!
To avoid this, there’s a mantra that you and your partner should adopt: One person crazy at a time.
Print it in huge a huge, neon font, laminate it, and hang it on your refrigerator.
How to not be the “crazy” one
It’s extremely difficult to unhook emotionally, but here are some tips that can make it a bit easier:
· Learn the signs that you’re getting upset. Your body gives you signals that you’re getting upset, so learn them; this makes it easier to catch yourself early, before you’re fully submerged in the tempest.
· Name what you’re feeling. Recent research shows that this activity alone can calm you down and help you think more clearly.
· Breathe deeply through your nose, hold it a few seconds, and then breathe out through your nose for a bit longer than your inhalation. Do this repeatedly for about 60 seconds. This taps the brakes on your body’s stress response.
· Interrupt the negative cascade by touching your partner lovingly. A hand on the knee or the arm or a gentle hug can deescalate emotions and stop the fight…but one of you needs to remember to do it!
So right now, you and your partner need to agree on this mantra – one person crazy at a time. Pinky swear if you must, but do it.
