Some people will do most anything to avoid conflict.
15 tips to help you have a productive conversation!
Does your partner seem to want to escape from anything resembling conflict? Does he run away from the problem at hand, or stonewall you when you try to talk about an issue (think of “talk to the hand!).
This behavior is frustrating, confusing and crazy-making if you’re needing to problem-solve an issue. In fact, avoidance does nothing but press “pause” on a problem. The discussion won’t go away; it will just be postponed.
Why do Avoiders want to escape?
Their lack of engagement isn’t usually passive aggressive, or some kind of rejection or you. Rather, conflict avoidance usually stems from a fear of being wrong, or made to look “bad” in some way. Maybe conflict was scary for him as a child? Perhaps she was shamed for speaking up at some point in her life? Or maybe he came from a family where issues just weren’t discussed.
Whatever the cause, avoidance is – obviously – 100% ineffective in helping you get to the other side of a conflict.
Talking in a non-confrontational way makes conflict less threatening.
So what can you do to get your avoidant partner to engage?
- At all costs, avoid saying, “We need to talk!” You might as well scream, “Danger! Incoming!” to a conflict avoider.
- Use a soft startup. Drs John and Julie Gottman are world-renowned relationship scientists that have come up with solid research showing what behaviors help relationships succeed. Soft startup – beginning a conversation in a soft, non-threatening way – is one of these healthy relationship behaviors.
- Begin with something positive. Like a soft startup, approaching a potentially difficult conversation with a compliment or an appreciation can mean the difference between an engaged conversation and one that ends with your partner running for the hills.
- Frame the conversation in a solution-focused, relationship-building way. “We could really use some new ideas for handling the laundry. Could we brainstorm some possibilities?”
- Take the pressure off the avoider. In other words, make it your issue. “I’m having trouble coming up with an idea for dinner; will you help me?”
- Minimize the issue. “I just have one thing I’d like to clarify with you…”
- Be mindful of your timing! Make sure you’re not stressed or rushed, and that the atmosphere isn’t loud, crowded or chaotic.
- Allow plenty of time for the avoider to think and formulate her ideas. Otherwise, she could feel pressured or backed into a corner, which is sure to cause her to shut down.
- Set ground rules to make the situation feel more safe for the avoider. “If you’ll talk with me about the credit card, I promise I’ll stay calm and not raise my voice.”
- Keep the discussion to one issue, not an entire litany of complaints. Resist the temptation to go off on a million tangents.
- Dial down the tension of the situation by having the conversation over a relaxing lunch or a cup of coffee. Food helps put the avoider at ease by providing a distraction.
- Focus on behaviors, not personality traits. For example, “I notice that you walk away when I talk to you about your mother. What can I do differently so you’ll stay engaged with me?” This is a non-threatening complaint, rather than a criticism, coupled with a request for help – both effective ways to maintain your connection with a conflict avoider.
- Use a different method of communication. Write letters or emails, or journal back and forth to each other. This gives the avoider time and space to collect his thoughts and think about his feelings and responses.
- Be cognizant of your facial expression. Breathe deeply as you talk so your face doesn’t become hard and tense. Consciously relax your eyes and your jawline, encouraging your expression to stay soft and non-threatening.
- Practice patience and empathy. Remember, a conflict avoider usually has something in her history that causes her to shy away from conflict. Stay calm, and ask for her perspective on the issue. Just by saying, “I really want to hear your side of this,” you can defuse the tension surrounding the situation, and maintain connection and engagement with your partner.
The next time you want to raise an issue with your avoidant partner, try a few of these ideas and see what happens. You’ll likely be happily surprised by the results!
I’d love to hear about your experiences with a conflict-avoiding partner, so please comment below!
